My parents kept a running tally of everything we did, good and bad. Or so they claim—I started keeping lists of my own when I was ten, and their assessments never squared with my math. Anyway, when it came time, we'd learn if our achievements and good behaviour had earned us a birthday party that year or not. Crysta did the worst at this. Me, sometimes. Gavin, of course, got one every year. He always did everything right.
So Crysta and I, we started throwing him a... let's call it an anti-birthday party. It started small. We'd give him a present and it was a box with nothing in it. We'd bake the most awful things inside of a cake. As we grew older, it grew more complicated. I'd write coded directions that were near-impossible to solve. Crysta would record him trying to follow them, and in the end, his present would be a video of him looking stupid, edited to music. The most annoying kind of trials, with no reward at the end.
It's not so bad. After almost thirty years, I'm their favourite now.
I once threatened to never acknowledge his birthday again if he acted happy about what we were doing. So he didn't. [...] We did it today to Parson. And he figured it out. All of our ridiculous clues, our old tricks. It didn't even take him that long.
Yes. Not a single funny speech the entire day. [...] There's a reason why you and most of his actual friends weren't invited. They wanted to remember him a particular way.
I'm sorry. We should have done something for him here, too. That first month was
It's a little bizarre. [...] But I know you put a lot of the blame on him at the beginning and I wasn't sure you'd be able to move past that, even considering the circumstances.
Am I going to get the chance to talk to you about this later, or[...] I've been [...] lonely. I feel very isolated here, which is my own fault. I cut a lot of people off when the station shut down. I just couldn't deal with it. And now I'm in this hole I can't get out of and I have no idea what to do about it.
[...] And I feel selfish for feeling that way. [...] He wasn't my brother or my boyfriend. I should be able to deal with it on my own. I have so much other shit to worry about. I shouldn't have to bug you because I'm sad about Gavin.
It's not selfish. You were one of his best friends. He liked you better than he ever liked m[...] And it makes sense that on a day that evokes strong memories, you'd seek commiseration from someone else who loved him, even if that person happens to be me. So let's be logical about this. You say you should be able to deal with it on your own, but isn't dealing with it on your own exactly why you feel isolated? Weren't you also dealing with it alone when you cut everyone off? If the reasonable methods you've tried thus far aren't serving you, then it follows that the solution lies in doing something unreasonable.
I'm notI don't know how toWhat if you forgot about being responsible and[...] Sorry. I wish you had someone better to talk to too.
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DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Did Gavin ever tell you about my family's birthday tradition?
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Well it fucks with my headNo. What is it?
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
So Crysta and I, we started throwing him a... let's call it an anti-birthday party. It started small. We'd give him a present and it was a box with nothing in it. We'd bake the most awful things inside of a cake. As we grew older, it grew more complicated. I'd write coded directions that were near-impossible to solve. Crysta would record him trying to follow them, and in the end, his present would be a video of him looking stupid, edited to music. The most annoying kind of trials, with no reward at the end.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Really good plan for being annoying, except you were actually giving him the perfect birthday present.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
I once threatened to never acknowledge his birthday again if he acted happy about what we were doing. So he didn't. [...] We did it today to Parson. And he figured it out. All of our ridiculous clues, our old tricks. It didn't even take him that long.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
I'm glad you've all been spending time together.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
You don't think it's bizarre? Because I do.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
That first month wasIt's a little bizarre. [...] But I know you put a lot of the blame on him at the beginning and I wasn't sure you'd be able to move past that, even considering the circumstances.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
I was never that upset with Parson. I just wanted to see what he'd do. [...] Which sounds horrible of me, I suppose.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
It doesn't. [...] Like you said, it's a novel situation. The usual schema for grief isn't a perfect fit.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Even you pulled away because you[...] I don't need a memorial to remember him. I see him all the bloody time.The problem with a novel situation is that I don't know what to do about it. [...] I should sleep.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Do you mean yIt's not just about remembering him. It's about doing it together.Sleep is usually a good first step. [...] Are you going to?
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Yes. Unless you want to talk about how you're feeling instead.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
Am I going to get the chance to talk to you about this later, or[...] I've been [...] lonely. I feel very isolated here, which is my own fault. I cut a lot of people off when the station shut down. I just couldn't deal with it. And now I'm in this hole I can't get out of and I have no idea what to do about it.[...] And I feel selfish for feeling that way. [...] He wasn't my brother or my boyfriend. I should be able to deal with it on my own. I have so much other shit to worry about. I shouldn't have to bug you because I'm sad about Gavin.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
I didn't think you'd actually[...]
It's not selfish. You were one of his best friends.
He liked you better than he ever liked m[...] And it makes sense that on a day that evokes strong memories, you'd seek commiseration from someone else who loved him, even if that person happens to be me. So let's be logical about this. You say you should be able to deal with it on your own, but isn't dealing with it on your own exactly why you feel isolated? Weren't you also dealing with it alone when you cut everyone off? If the reasonable methods you've tried thus far aren't serving you, then it follows that the solution lies in doing something unreasonable.I'm notI don't know how toWhat if you forgot about being responsible and[...] Sorry. I wish you had someone better to talk to too.DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight
But if things feel different tomorrow[...]Be unreasonable again. Goodnight.
DM, 9/28, pushing midnight